Tuesday Two-Seam

Baseball uniforms can be beautiful things. They can also be very hideous things. To wit:

There are so many things wrong with this.

 The evil four-letter network recently ranked all 30 MLB unis in a typical arbitrary ESPN style.  The rankings were "based primarily on the standard home uniform," except that alternate unis could propel a team into the top 5 or drive them to dead last.  To the surprise of nobody, the article has drawn criticism.  Uniform rankings will always be critiqued, since beauty, among other things, is in the eye of the beholder.  So rather than just rail against the ESPN rankings (even though railing against ESPN is always a good thing), I decided to throw together my own MLB jersy rankings.

To try to keep everything on a level playing field, my rankings are based only on the standard home jersey for each team--the one which can be purchased via the official MLB.com shop.  That means road unis, alternates, throwbacks, hats, &c. do not factor into my list. 

Here they are, from worst to first:

30. Miami Marlins - A hideous 1980's color scheme and uninspired block lettering make this almost the worst thing ever.

29. Philadelphia Phillies - The most feminine jersey in the MLB.  That script looks like it came straight out of a middle school girl's love letter to Justin Bieber.

28. Cleveland Indians - Chief Wahoo controversy aside, this is a dull jersey with bland script that begs for a block letter ivory alternate.

27. Atlanta Braves - When it comes to uniform analysis, the Braves don't seem to catch as much flak as the Indians do.  Isn't a tomahawk logo just as offensive as a Chief Wahoo?

26. San Diego Padres - You would think that the most expensive home jersey in the shop wouldn't have such bland and uninspired script/color scheme.  The Madres should just go back to the retro unis.

25. Houston Astros - The odd colors, obtrusive pinstripes, and awkward script make for a bad combination.  Again, the *ahem* unique throwbacks really are better.

24. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - The halo around the 'A' is good, but also the only notable thing about this jersey.  Sigh.

23. Texas Rangers - Blue works best for the Strangers Drunken Sailors.  Have you ever noticed that their script is almost identical to the division-rival Angels?

22. Cincinnati Reds - I keep switching around the next six or seven unis because they are all not too striking.  This Reds jersey is classic.  Whenever I see that logo, I can't help but think of Pete Rose--which is both a good thing and a bad thing.

21. Washington Nationals - I like the curly 'W' which is easy to spell.

 

20. Boston Red Sox - This one should probably be higher up, but I can't think about the Red Sox without gagging at least a little bit.

19. Milwaukee Brewers - Take note, Padres: more pronounced gold trim can make a big difference, even when you still eschew superior throwbacks. 

18. Baltimore Orioles - Classy script and classy use of orange, but I think bringing back the cartoon bird is a mistake.

17. Detroit Tigers - The first thing that comes to mind is this.  The second is that some orange trim would add a lot to this jersey.  Go Broncos.

16. Pittsburgh Pirates - Good colors, good script, and good piping, but nothing spectacular on the whole.

15. Los Angeles Dodgers - Most rankings put the Doyers closer to the top of the list, but these red block numbers just seem out of place to me.

14. Colorado Rockies - Alas, my favorite team's purple pinstripes are classy but a bit unremarkable. 

13. Chicago Cubs - The Cubs pull off the classy-but-unremarkable look much better.

12. Chicago White Sox - The Pale Hose take a lot of flak for their goth/Darth Vader/Oakland Raider color scheme, but these home unis have subtle pinstripes that accent the unique cascading 'Sox' logo.

11. Seattle Mariners - I'm not the biggest fan of the seafoam teal, but it works well here since it is only used for the trim.

10. Minnesota Twins - The Twins pull off pinstripes better than any other uni on this list.  They are subtle and work very well as accent their team name.

9. New York Yankees - Pinstripes would not be what they are without the Yankees.  Pinstripes are as much a logo for the Yankees as the interlocking NY.

8. Oakland Athletics - Green and gold is an excellent color scheme when, as here, done well.  It can also be hideous, but let's not get into that now.  Bonus points for the elephant on the sleeve.

7. New York Mets - No, that isn't an alternate jersey.  It's the best thing to happen to the Mets since Bill Buckner.

6. Arizona Diamondbacks - Half of all MLB teams use red (not including the White Sox).  The Dbacks pull red off the best with their personalized Sedona Red.

5. San Francisco Giants - Everything about the Giants is revolting except for their home vanilla unis.

4. Tampa Bay Rays - Navy on columbia blue might be the best color scheme in baseball.

3. St. Louis Cardinals - Not much can top the redbirds on the bats.

2. Toronto Blue Jays - Going pseudo-retro was a great move.  Many teams should take note.

1. Kansas City Royals - A work of art.

Remember, lists like these are totally subjective.  But if you disagree with my rankings, you are just wrong.